Excerpts from Matthew Stewart’s book The Management Myth: Management Consulting Past, Present and Largely Bogus have been adapted in this article at the Independent: Masters of illusion, The great management consultancy swindle.

He talks about management consultancy and makes for really funny reading (perhaps funny for the non-consultants alone?). Excerpts:

On how he got his first break

I landed the job by providing a credible response to this question: How many pubs are there in Great Britain? The purpose of that question, I realised after the interview, was to see how easily I could talk about a subject of which I knew almost nothing, on the basis of facts that were almost entirely fictional. It was an excellent introduction to management consulting.

On his inspirations and ‘tools’

“The Whale” is a graph. Its official title is “Cumulative Customer Profitability” and it also goes by the generic name “skew chart”. The Whale is my madeleine. One glance at its distinctive curves and in my mind I’m back, cutting and pasting charts and text, running through airports, hovering over a transparency projector in front of sceptical men in suits, and trading boozy stories with team-mates in an overpriced hotel restaurant.

I learned the art of whale-hunting – as we called the art of landing a big client – from a partner I will call Roland. He was a jolly, well-rounded figure, with a face like a pink bowling ball. He had a thick French accent and drew heavily on a limited stockpile of American colloquialisms, cheerfully painting the world in the bold strokes and primary colours, in a style typical of those who live their lives in a foreign language.

In the firm, Roland was the harpooner. His specialty was sinking the barbed hook of our services deep within the flesh of unsuspecting clients. Roland would say: “I asked Joe (or whoever the client was) ‘Joe, can your people tell you, right now, which of your customers are profitable?’” (It always sounded like he was calling them “profiteroles”.) Joe would have had no idea how his profiteroles were doing.

In fact the entire piece is hilarious, so I will stop pasting excerpts. Go ahead and read the complete article.